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Sunday, 12 February 2017 16:06

Lipstick and Legos – Dear Pinterest: Go Home, You’re Drunk Featured

Holli Maurer

Sometimes Pinterest can be a bit startling.

One of the funniest memories of my sister and me goes like this: we were cleaning out my parent’s house to assist them in moving a few streets away from their existing house. That in and of itself was annoying to me. If you’re going to pack all your things in bubble wrap and get all intense about it, move out of state, or out of the current city or something. You do not move a few streets down. Anyway, during helping them move we found countless annoying things that we didn’t know what to do with. 

Examples: #1 – we found scraps of fabric that my mother wanted to keep for quilting (?). #2 - We found close to 10,000 spoons that did not match, but she wanted to just keep them in case she had a project. #3 – My mother insisted that we couldn’t throw away any little tiles and other little things that she was going to use for “her mosaic work.” (Side note: I just texted my sister and asked what those “things” were that mom was saving for mosaic work and my sister texted back “ummm, I gave her some shards from a plate from some china. Can’t remember what else other than the billions of china patterns?”) See!?! 

Anyway, this began the ultimate Pinterest hunting at night when none of us could sleep. One night, I found that you could bend the thousand spoons into a little rain chain. Seemed easy enough. My sister in response sent me a Pinterest idea of how to tile your floor in all pennies, as another fun endeavor she thought I might enjoy. The next day I found on Pinterest a really cute idea with old flower pots and how if you turn them upside down, you’d have a little side table that you could hand paint. My thoughts immediately drifted back to the 25,000 pennies my sister wanted me to make a bathroom floor out of. 

The audacity that Pinterest showed in recommending this to anyone made me break up with the site for a little over six months. Tonight, I’ve decided to delve in for more research for your benefit. I’m sad to report that I think that Pinterest has been drinking, and I think it’s gotten into the hard liquor. That’s right; the site is drunk. Here are ACTUAL things I have discovered this evening in no order:

  •  A pattern for a “messy bun hat.” That’s correct; there are instructions on how to crochet a hat with a hole on the top for a messy bun. Hmmm. A few things should be noted about this stupid hat: if you require a hat but refuse to remove your messy bun, you have a major issue. You are lazy and actually lack brain cells. Also, just so you know, messy buns aren’t really all that sexy. You again appear lazy and super unorganized. 
  •  How to teabag your hair to hide your greys. Alright; this should NEVER be a thing. Like, ever. I will give you the name of several wonderful hair salons. I will let you know that box hair dye DOES work. Do anything other than soak your hair in teabags. The Pinterest site goes as far as telling you what flavor tea to brew for the color of hair you have. No; stop it right now. I can’t.
  •  Ok. This one – follow along – is called “Beardo Baubles Mini Christmas Ornaments.” Ok. This site/idea on Pinterest shows where to order mini-ornaments for your beard during the holidays. I can’t honestly say that this question has stumped any of MY family members around the Christmas season. Is this a thing that I don’t know about? Are there thousands of distraught men wandering around because they just can’t find the right ornaments for their facial hair? Does this put a major damper on the season for you? I mean, I know if I had a beard and I couldn’t hang my fair share of gold, red or silver balls from it, I’d be DEVASTATED. Thank goodness for this site. NO! THIS IS ME BEING SARCASTIC! This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Anyone who ever ordered this deserves to accidentally fall off a cliff.
  •  Eyebrow pomade. Yep; tips on what the best brand is and how to properly use your newly obtained pomade. Ladies, if you have purchased – or quite honestly have even ever searched – “eyebrow pomade,” please do three things for me. First, vacate my life. Unfriend me on Facebook, look the other way at public events, and don’t call my phone any longer. Second, don’t ever admit this to anyone ever. And third, follow the guy who bought the Christmas ornaments for his beard, and accidentally fall off the cliff with him.
  •  Jean pocket slippers. Now this one is tricky, readers. I insist that you actually DO Google this one, because I need you to visualize the product. Ok. If you’ve Googled it, my question is this: at what point did someone create these? I imagine someone in college, being really drunk after a party at a frat house, and waking up in the morning without their pants. They roll over to locate said pants and realize how cold it is. In the far distance at the foot of the bed, they see their jeans, but their hangover is in full control. They don’t get out of bed, nor can they reach their blankets; so, they just slip their feet right on into the jean pockets. Clever! Stupid, but not entirely dumb. These serve a little bit of a purpose. Props to the frat kid that invented these. Stupid that Pinterest had to make a tutorial on how to make them. I mean, cut out your pockets and sew the top together and now you have slippers, no?
  •  The next one absolutely moves me to hysterical laughter and a bit of bewilderment that we occupy the planet with the creator of this one. Ready? It’s titled, “How to Fit Your Dish soap with a Dress or Apron.” You guys. YOUR DISHSOAP. AN APRON OR A DRESS. What in fresh hell do you need to put a dress OR an apron on your dish soap for? Like, when did this become an issue? What memo did I miss? What poor housewife was ridiculed by her husband for the soap being naked on the sink? I mean; divorce him, first. Second, I have literally NEVER walked into someone’s home and thought less of them for their soap not wearing a dress. Alternatively, if I do happen to visit your house and your soap is wearing clothing, I swear on the Bible I will commit you to a mental institution.
  •  Finally, I end my Pinterest rant with a Happy Birthday Fruit Cake. That’s right folks. It’s a how to replace your “fattening” birthday cake with alternating layers of cantaloupe, honeydew and watermelon layers that are lined with grapes and kiwi. Mmmmkay here is the tip: NO ONE WANTS THIS, EVER. If they tell you that the do, they have literally either ingested toxic amounts of eyebrow pomade, they have tea bagged their hair for too many hours and it’s seeped into their brain cells, their messy bun hat is far too tight, or they have accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament from their husband’s beard. Get them help immediately. The clear majority – nay, everyone – wants a gooey chocolate cake on their day of birth. If they call you out of the blue and ask you to make them a layered fruit cake, they have been kidnapped and are signaling you for help. Don’t do it. (Side note: Pinterest linked a site of “How to Properly Cut a Watermelon” onto this. COME ON!)

To sum up: there are darn near crazy ideas on Pinterest. No one has time to hand glue 25,000 pennies to their floor. My sister’s over achiever status on this site absolutely cracks me up. However, as you’ve seen in the seven listed examples, I have only one thing to tell Pinterest. Dear Pinterest: Go home! You are drunk!   

Last modified on Sunday, 12 February 2017 23:27
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